Oneness in Marriage
(Part 2)

If "oneness" is one of the primary goals of marriage ("the two shall become one flesh"), let's explore some of the things that thwart or hinder oneness in marriage.

There are many reasons why a couple might fail to achieve oneness:

All of the sins which are rooted in the unholy trinity, namely -- me, myself, and I". All of the hyphenated "self" sins... selfish, self-centered, self-interest, self-concern, self-focused, etc.

Various flesh patterns" and "coping strategies" which we develop over our lifetimes which are aimed at "making life work the way we think it should work or the way we think we deserve it to work"... another way to say it is, "making life work apart from God and His ways."

Failing to deal properly with unmet expectations and differences. The self" sins are fairly easy to understand. Anytime I am more focused on myself and what I want as opposed to what God wants or what is best for the marital relationship, I will hinder the ability to connect with my spouse.

Flesh patterns and coping strategies are developed over a lifetime. They grow out of our fears, insecurities and wounds. An example might be that a man is "passive" in his marriage. If, as a young man, he is criticized by his parents or if he believes that he does not know exactly what to do in a given situation, then, instead of moving into the "chaos" of life, he will choose to be passive. The truth is he may be "choosing" to be passive ... simply because he does not want to risk rejection or criticism from his wife. He may have an idea of what to do but he just isn't willing to take a risk by acting on his solution.

Another example of a "flesh pattern" is a woman is very controlling. However, she is not being controlling just because she is a mean jerk. She may be "controlling" because she is afraid of life and afraid of all that can go wrong. So, she has convinced herself that if she is in "control" that she can minimize the amount of hurt she will have to endure.

Both of these patterns are not what God desires of this man or this woman. (The great thing about God is that He will allow these faulty, flesh patterns to be exposed for what they are and He will give the man and the woman new ways of dealing with the stresses of life.)

An expectation is a desire or mental picture that is not always communicated and which, when it is not fulfilled, produces a significant emotional response. We all enter marriage with certain expectations. Sometimes we express these expectations and sometimes we are not fully aware that they exist.

A woman may enter marriage with the expectation that the new husband will continue to give her the same amount of attention and care that he gave during their courtship. A man may have an expectation that the house will be spotless and that a hot meal will be on the table every evening at 6:00pm.

Almost every couple has experienced a "season" where their flesh patterns, coping strategies, differences and diverse expectations collided. When this happens, IT IS AN OPPORTUNITY for the couple to draw near to God and allow God to expose what is really going on ... what the real dynamics are. However, all to often, each partner will begin to justify their flesh patterns or will defend their rights or will excuse their differences, rather that stepping back and taking a long hard look at what is the root of the issues between them.

A good rule of thumb is that if I react strongly to someone the issue is not really about them as much as it is about me... something in me is coming to the surface and God is just using the other person in order to expose my hidden "flesh". It is often said that "marriage is God's chief sanctifying tool."

Instead of blaming or attacking the other person, consider looking at the root of the issue within yourself. Ask God to show you what is going on. Then bring your issue to Him and / or confess and repent when necessary. The closer you are to God, and I don't mean just being "religious" or being able to talk Christian-ese, ... the closer you are to God the more you will be able to draw near to your spouse and experience the "oneness" that He desires.

Exercises:

1. What are some ways that you try to make life work or try to feel good about yourself apart from God?

2. What were some of the expectations you had when you first got married?

3. How did you develop these expectations?

4. Have the expectations proven to be "realistic?" Why or why not?

5. How do you, as a couple, handle your disappointments and differences?